Numb

The pain came and went in small waves. Some stronger then others. Until finally I was limp. I couldn't feel my body. It was no longer attached. It was no longer a piece of me. But my mind still wandered. I focused on on the beating of my heart. Growing shallower, and slower with each thump. Finally, I though Its almost over. The pain will soon be gone.

Suddenly, I felt like I was flying. But it was my body that moved. I felt something sharp prick me, and suddenly my body was back. The pain was back. I could feel my body being poked at from two different angles. My heart jumped and its small weak thump started accelerating. It became more of a flutter then a thump. This scared me. I was prepared to die to that peaceful, not to mention painless thumping of my heart. Not this. This was a totally different path then the one I had planned. It was not helpful at all. So death wasn't a good feeling. Hm. Well at least it will all be over soon. When the blood realizes its not getting the oxygen it craves it will stop flowing. Then I know the pain will be gone. Because, nothing will be of me anymore. Just a corps. A lost girl who had no other way out.

There was finally a light. If I could have laughed I would have. I never imagined there would actually be a light to heaven- or hell. Which ever. I didn't even believed that either existed. Maybe I should have went to church more often. That might have made this a little easier, It would have prepared me a little for the unknown. The dead.

As the light grew stronger I found myself getting more and more eager to reach it. I could make out a face. God? The Devil? How does one know? It appeared as though he was shining a light at me. A flash light of some sort? Was that the affect of the light. Was this unknown creature really just some guy with a flashlight. No real light to him. This angered me. I was expecting some guy with a light inside himself. A light of his own that I desperately craved and searched for in myself throughout my dark years.

Now I wanted answers. But more things were coming into view. Another face. What the hell is this?, my thoughts were so vivid it sounded as though I spoke them aloud. My body twisted in pain. My muscles were screaming. I tried with everything I had to scream. But I couldn't hear a noise. I searched frantically until I found the flutter of my heart. It was slowing. Oddly enough that calmed me. I didn't know death could take so long. Maybe I should have just shot myself. That might have sped up the process.

"Cammie. Cammie, can you hear me?" I heard a male voice asking me. Was it coming from the guy with light? I couldn't tell. I tried to speak. To tell him I could hear him. But I couldn't find my voice. Great, I thought. I should have learned sign-language after all. Maybe that way I could have at least communicated with this, thing. Then again I don't know if I can move my body. Sure I can feel it. But the pain, is too much. I don't want to risk hurting more then I have to.

I felt like there were a million strings attached to my body. Pulling the pain out as each one let go. The pain was finally erased from my body. My heart continued to flutter rapidly. I heard my name being called and immediately my eyes snapped open.

Not my cup of tea

I washed up and made my way to the kitchen. There wasn't much there. Just the essentials. I looked at the cubords in disgust. They were a waist of space, considering there was never anything in them. I worked everyday trying to get by. But It still wasn't enough. Being a high school drop-out didn't really give you the luxury of a high paying job. So, I settled for my minimum waige watress job at the Chucky Clan Clam. It wasn't the best job, but it was convient. Just three blocks from my house. It was in walking distance so I never complained much.

After eating, my toast and what looked like scrambled eggs I put on my uniform and shruged out of the house. The sun was hot and heavy against my exposed skin. It was only 7:30 and it already felt like the middle of the day. The formiular smell filled my naustrals as soon as i opened the frount door.

"Ah, Cammie so nice of you to join us!" I heard my manager Mark call to me as I walked past him. I wasn't in the mood for his stupid little jokes. On my way to the back room I recieved harsh and undeeded glairs from both Andrea, and Sandra, who are hands down, the two most annoyong set of twins I ever met with their fake blonde hair, fake boobs, and fake personality.
"I hate my life," I mumbled under my breath.
"Um, Cammie?" a man's voice called behind me.
I turned, and as soon as I did I wished I hadn't.
Standing there eyeing me down, was the one person that made me want to walk out and quit on the spot. Brad. Him and I had a fling a while back, when I was still nourmal. After the black hole sucked me in, things changed. I changed.

"What do you want?" I hissed threw clentched teeth.
"Woah. Hey. Calm down Cammie. I just wanted to appoligize for what I said the other day. It was uncalled for I-"
"You think? Yeah Brad. It was uncalled for. Your not forgiven. So leave." I spat before he could finish.
"Cammie. I'm not leaving untill we talk about this."
I grabed my stuff off the table and turned to face him agaim. This time just glareing. I had nothing to say to him. I shoved him out of my way, almost knocking over a lamp on my way. It swayed a little but soon stabled it self.

I was suddenly jelous of the lamp. It was able to be knocked completly off balance, and then able to stedy it self in one swift graceful movement, as if nothing had just been so out of place.


Personaly I didn't get it. And not getting it rather botherd me. As I walked past the black and white lamp I knocked it over on its side. Ha, try to steady yourself now lamp, I thought.

Work was a blur. A stressful, annoying, blur. When the day was over I found myself covered in tea, coffee, soda, juice anything and everything todlers decided to throw at me for nothing but meir enjoyment. It bugged me that the parents just sat and watched. With out even bothering to appoligize for their children's bad behaviour. I slumped around during my break, avoiding Brad- and everyone else to the best of my ability. When the day was done I grabbed my tips with out even bothering to count them and walked back to my house.

As soon as I was in view of the house I found myself gradually picking up the paste, and was running by the time I hit the gravel walk way. I didn't stop running until I was back in the safty of my bed room with the pills in my hand. One by one shoved them down my throat. All thirty-seven of them and layed back in bed. Uniform and all.

Preface

I can feel the warm sun beating down on my face. Its light shining threw a peak in the curtain from the only window in my little room. My left hand tightened around the tiny bottle enclosed in it. This morning felt no different then the others. You could run from the pain, try to fight it, but it would keep coming back. Until you found a way to escape it completely; It would always be there, waiting in the shadows, more then willing to pull you back into that bottom less pit of never ending, never ceasing pain.

So it was time. Time for me to make that final jump. That would either weigh me down, pulling me further, and further into the darkness- or it would show me the light at the end of it all that I've been desperately searching for. I laid there weighing my options. When I opened my eyes it was like there was that pull again. Pulling my entire focus to the bottle in my left hand. I sat up desperately twisting off the cap and pouring the contense into my hand. Ah. Thirty-seven. They were all there, safe and sound. This would be more then enough to escape the black hole that ate at the core of my existence. I couldn't stop myself from grinning.
This will be the day, I promised myself. This will be the day. This will be the day.

I shook off the blankets and got up from my mattress that lay in the corner of my room on the floor. Forcing myself to the bathroom. The cracked mirror above the sink soon became my worst nightmare. There I stood. As helpless as ever; with my plain features looking back at me. My once beautiful, dark-brown hair, lay matted and all over the place. There was no emotion left in my dark blue eyes that had once been full of life, full of dreams, full of hope. All of those emotions left my eyes a long time ago.

Three years to be exact, I was fifteen at the time. When some drunk driver ran a red light and took the life of the one person I cared about. My mom, Lucy Harrison. She was always hopeful, even when things looked like they we were headed back down to rock bottom. Always looking at the positive side of things; neglecting the negatives.

I had her features. From her face, to her stubby ankles. She was brilliant, even for a blond. We never had much when it came to money, just this ratty house that had been paid off by my father before he left us. And her car. But, we had each other. And that was more then enough to get us through the day.